I'm a Fucking Asshole

A world shattering event of major proportions has occurred in the twisted little cyber life of the world renowned yenta: somebody has actually read my blog. In fact, a couple of people have read my blog, and one of them was gravely insulted, with good reason. And as I reread what I wrote, about pussy whipped men, I realized I completely fucked up and wrote something mean and unfair. What the fuck was I thinking.

Here was the original entry that I need to revise, and the bolded sections are the fucked up ones:

This discovery came about on Amtrak when I was given no choice but to eavesdrop on a conversation between two midlife men. They were sitting across the aisle blabbing about their gray flannel suit mayonnaise encrusted beige lives and I was mindlessly checking my blackberry emails and handicapping the Breeder's Cup entries and listening without interest when suddenly the conversation turned to "wimmen." My inner Yenta could not be denied.

The gist of the conversation, centering around the incredibly depressing prospect of weekend activities with soccer games, family entertainment, in laws, was how these men prefer women to "take over" because they are so damn busy with their jobs and climbing the corporate ladder and figuring out whose ass needs kissing, they figure an aggressive bossy woman gives them a "break" from being "decisive". I think that explains it.

The comment on gray flannel suit mayonnaise encrusted beige lives and the further nasty insinuation about their corporate lives being primarily about ass kissing was fucking nasty and uncalled for. The "" around "decisive was also a nasty and uncalled for touch. In point of fact, although this describes corporate life to a tee for many of us, like me, for instance, men do not own this and it equally applies to women.

My angry friend pointed out that women can bitch and moan and boo hoo and chose to drop out of the rat race without losing societal respect, but a man (not a piece of shit loser, but a man supporting a family) cannot. Period. And I knew he was right,and I have often made this point but I must have been in a real state to have been oblivious while I was ranting on pussywhipped men (a subset, and my friend isn't pussywhipped, but he, like everyone who subsists in the beige mayonnaise world of corporate America, must kiss ass to survive). Which brings me to my thoughts on ass kissing.

Ass kissing can take many forms. Kissing ass when you mean it is one thing; I once kissed a former ceo's ass because he could tell a good joke and he was smart, in a meeting, and my boss took me aside and said, "Joan, that was really fucking disgusting, you're such an asshole. Ooh Doug this and ooh Doug that, you suck up, you", he said. But I defend that as sincere. When you are sincere, kissing ass is just the way it goes when you are dealing with someone who is above you on the ladder and got there legitimately.

What I won't do, and this could be because I really have no fear of losing my job because fuck it, whatever goes right? is kissing a fucking asshole's ass. I will be polite, I will be impersonal, I will fucking hold my tongue, but I will not kiss a fucking asshole's ass. If my life did depend on kissing a fucking assholes ass, maybe I would, but frankly, I doubt it because I have very little couth and zero political instinct and I say whatever's on my mind. I doubt I could rise to the challenge. If I was a man, I'd probably be a truck driver.

So there you have it. I hope I made things right. Now I'm going to go edit that fucking post.

On Pussywhipped Men

I think I have hit upon the explanation of how otherwise smart, interesting, normal men turn into such pussywhipped girls when they meet a particular kind of bitch that all of their friends hate with a passion.

This discovery came about on Amtrak when I was given no choice but to eavesdrop on a conversation between two midlife men. They were sitting across the aisle blabbing about their lives and I was mindlessly checking my blackberry emails and handicapping the Breeder's Cup entries and listening without interest when suddenly the conversation turned to "wimmen." My inner Yenta could not be denied.

The gist of the conversation, centering around the incredibly depressing prospect of weekend activities with soccer games, family entertainment, in laws, was how these men prefer women to "take over" because they are busy with their jobs so they figure an aggressive bossy woman gives them a "break" from being decisive and always in charge. I think that explains it.

Men just cannot be bothered with thinking about anything other than their dicks, their jobs and recreational activities that they alone deem worthy. Anything else is just noise, but acknowledging that there ARE nonwork demands made on them, they become so damned grateful for a bitch to take charge. They don't pay any attention, remember, EVER, to ANYTHING not work or fun related, and having to be decisive at work takes so much out of them that they basically all are vulnerable to the bitch takeover.

The pussywhipped behavior happens when the reckoning comes: when there is a conflict between two competing factions of his life, either friends and family and the BITCH. This is when the chickens come home to roost, when the bitch starts sticking her proverbial high heel in his eye, when the shit hits the fan and he realizes that "UT OH, I'm going to make Broomhilda MAD" and when Broomhilda gets MAD he just has no experience in handling it, so he turns into a girly man. Ergo, friends lose, bitch wins. Because among other things, most men hate conflict believe it or not. The only conflict they engage in is the conflict they chose or the conflict they are stuck with in the workplace.

PW girly man caves in and lets the bitch have her way and that's the way it stays forever and ever because people never change and bad habits like this are just impossible to reverse.

It's not really "sex" related, turns out. It's mind related. It's mental. The term pussywhipped has such a universal understanding that it really is the word to use even if it isn't very accurate.

It is a damned shame and I really don't think there is a cure for a pussywhipped man girl. My father's wife was a horror show from hell on wheels who deserves to burn in hell, so you could say I have plenty of experience with this fact of life.

Fucking Political Correctness and Politicians

Continuing on my theory that politicians create problems to give themselves jobs, the creative process of politicians by definition must involve little to no actual effort. Now lets add the soft curriculum majors in subjects like sociology and political science and communication to invent a thought crime but give it another name and write text books: political correctness. In the real world, in the classes where questions are asked that actually have answers, somewhere along the line someone SHOULD have asked what the fuck, exactly, does it mean to be "correct"before actually legitimizing and mainstreaming this academic idiocy.

Well then the politicians hit pay dirt here: academic assholes were able to invent something to give their fellow nonacademic assholes jobs where they don't have to lift a finger, create anything, add to the GNP, NOTHING, but ruin people's lives and reputations that disagreed with them and inserted a whole new REGULATION into the public discourse. Thanks to the 24 hour cable news cycle, they also have a distribution vehicle AND the media companies don't need to pay for content: it's just MADE UP as you go!

Because it isn't the truth. Politicians hate the truth. Fucking political correctness is mainstreaming lies and blackmail.

I am so glad I am not an atheist.

Politicians and Problem Solvers

So I just figured out something else. I am not a politician because I hate bullshit. Hating bullshit, when I see a problem I try to solve it. Politicians thrive on bullshit; without bullshit, there would be no need for them and their fucking 2,000 page verbal/literary abortions called "bills", like this "health-care" monstrosity. Anyway, politicians have no interest in solving problems.

I am SO GLAD I am not an atheist or I would be slitting my wrists right now.

Lifted from Mispou While Looking for the Spelling of Kinnehora

Yeah, so I'm up to no good first thing Monday morning, that is, I hope to scuttle the NBC Comcast deal by using the KINNEHORA, or KINEHORA, and wishing it well. So I google the phonetic spelling and found this page.

The Joys of Yiddish-- Yiddish Dictionary

* Ahftseloches (ahf tseh luh chass) n : inevitable bad luck. The result of a kinehora. The boss calls you in to tell you of your promotion and you have a piece of spinach lodged between your front teeth. Aftseloches, you think. Something like this had to happen!
* Alevai (ah leh vai) : "It should only be!" A seemingly hopeful exclamation which is actually an admission of hopelessness.
* Chazerai (chah zuh rye) n : Junky, unsubstantial stuff. What you win at the state fair. For lunch your teenager has caramel corn, marshmallows, pizza and pop—that's chazerai!
* Chutzpah : Colossal nerve. Theodore Bickel—who murdered his parents, then pled for mercy in court because he was an orphan—has chutzpah.
* Feh : A word of utter disgust.
* Genug : Enough already!
* Goniff n : A thief.
* Gornisht : Nothing! What your kid will get for next Hanukkah if she doesn't start cleaning her bedroom.
* Hock a chinick (hock a chy nik) : To prattle, to go on about nothing at an inappropriate time.
* Kinehora n : A curse in reverse. A colleague says with best intentions; "Looks like you're going to get a promotion, Jack." Kinehora! You quickly cover his mouth, for to utter such a thing is to ensure it will never happen.
* Kishnev n : A city in Russia. Any place so far away you don't know or care to know how to get there.
* Klutz (rhymes with guts) n : A clumsy, awkward person. A person who trips over things, bumps into walls and has "two left feet." A klutz is a person who frequently trips on his own shoelaces, falls over furniture and manages to drip mustard on his/her lap with such regularity that it confounds the laws of probability. Klutz's, however, are not unloved because they are usually the victims of their own misdeeds.
* Kvell (rhymes with swell) v : To express pleasure in a gentle manner. To exclaim joyfully or proudly, especially in boasting about the achievements of a family member. What you do at your child's Bar/Bat Mitzvah.
* Kvetch v or n : To complain in a nagging or whining way. A person who kvetches, is a kvetch. The kvetch can never be satisfied; for the kvetch, nothing ever goes right.
* Maven (rhymes with haven) n : An expert or connoisseur, often self-proclaimed.
* Mazel n : Luck. "That boy has such mazel!"
* Mazel tov : An expression of congratulation.
* Meshugana adj : Crazy, mad, insane. Meshugas n : craziness, madness, insanity.
* Mish mash (mish rhymes with dish, mash with squash) n : A hodgepodge, jumble, mixture.
* Nu : So!?
* Nosh (rhymes with Josh)v or n : To snack, munch, or graze—i.e., "Are you still noshing?" A nosh can be the object of the noshing—i.e., "Do you want a nosh?"
* Nudnik n : A pest of the human variety, the nudnik drives everyone crazy with his activities. Always present and always in the way, the nudnik is often tolerated but rarely loved.
* Oy gevalt (oy geh vahlt) : "May a great power intervene on my behalf." Used in desperate situations like when you get a call from the IRS or your dog digs up the neighbor's prize rose bushes.
* Oy veh (oy vay) : A combination of oy gevalt and veh is mir. An expression of exasperation, i.e., "What now?!" or "Oh, no!"
* Plotz : To feel so tired, excited or bursting with emotion that you could fall over. "When I saw him after all these years I felt like I could just plotz!"
* Potchka v : To make a mess, to mess around, to mess up.
* Putz (rhymes with klutz) n : A person regarded as simple, stupid, foolish.
* Shlep v : To drag. Not merely move an object, but to accept a greater burden than any person should be expected to—i.e., to shlep yourself to the mall to shop for Hanukkah presents, shlep the load of presents to your car, then shlep them into your house.
* Shlemazel n : These are the poor souls who are victims of shlemiels; the ones always having the soup spilled on them.
* Shlemiel n : All shlemiels are klutzes but are rarely loved because the victims of their "klutziness" are generally innocent bystanders. A true shlemiel is a waiter who invariably spills soup on his clients.
* Shlock : Anything cheap or inferior; junk, trash. A schlockmeister is someone who deals in shoddy goods.
* Shlump n : A person who is stupid, foolish, inept, boring and/or poorly dressed.
* Shlumper n : A lost soul. The shlumper always wears mismatched socks, a sweater two or more sizes too large, a shirt that is never quite clean and slacks that look as if they were last pressed a year ago.
* Shmaltz n or adj : Usually, rendered chicken fat used in recipes such as matzah balls. Also means something overly sentimental as in a schmaltzy movie or schmaltzy music.
* Shmatta (middle "a" pronounced "ah") n : A rag or something equivalent. "What, you want to wear that old shmatta?"
* Shmear : To smear. More commonly used to refer to an activity with all its related features as in "the whole shmear."
* Shmendrik n : Someone who should have known better. A person who thinks a shlumper can be reformed (it's impossible) is a shmendrik.
* Shmoe : A shortened version of schmuck; not quite as derogatory.
* Shmooze v : Idle talk, gossip, chat. To shmooze is to have a lightweight conversation, one not serious in nature.
* Shmuck n : A contemptible or foolish person; a jerk.
* Shmutz (rhymes with puts) n : Dirt; as in, "What's that shmutz on your shoe?"
* Shnook n : A person easily imposed upon, cheated or pitifully meek.
* Shnorrer n : A person who lives by begging or by sponging on others; a freeloader.
* Shnozzle, schnoz n : Slang term of reference for the nose as in Jimmy Durante/Shnozzola.
* Shtick n : Literally, a piece. Popularly, a person's "specialty" or bit. Singing is Barbara Streisand's shtick, giving audiences is the Pope's shtick, comedy is Jerry Seinfeld's shtick.
* Tsuris n : Difficulties, aggravation, worries, woe, misery. Tsuris covers a wide assortment of problems; tsuris is what nudniks have and are only too willing to share with others. Trouble, Jewish style.
* Tush (rhymes with push ) n : Term which refers to the part of the anatomy upon which you sit.
* Ungehpotchkeyed (ung geh potch keed) adj : Messed up, fussy, overdone.
* Veh is mir (vayz mir) : "I am pain itself!" A most melodramatic expression of suffering, used to describe everyday miseries such as shaving nicks, sinus headaches or acid indigestion. A favorite expression of kvetches and yentas, often preceded by oy.
* Verkocteh (fur kock teh), verkoct adj : A ribald word meaning worse than crappy.
* Vershtickt : Choking, gagging. The feeling you get when cleaning your freezer after a long power outage.
Yenta n : A kvetch par excellence, the yenta will rarely tell you what is wrong and thrives on her ability to complain about absolutely anything to anyone, anywhere. A gossip or busybody.

o A sheynem dank Thank you very much
o Biz hundert un tsvantsik You should live till 120, long life to you
o Feh Not very nice/ Disapproving
o Oy !- A Disapproving sigh
o Schmattah- A rag; you’re going out in that schmattah?
o Schmoozing, Talking about noting in particular
o Balagan- chaos
o Biz hundert azoi ve tsvantsik- Live till 100, like a 20 year old
o Toomel- A noisy chaos
o Schpeel- "Selling job" I had to listen to his entire schpeel
o L'Chiam- To life
o Mazel tov- Congratulations
o Zol zion mit Mazel- Good luck
o Vee Geyts ?- How's it going ?
o Vos makhtsu ?- How are you ?
o Zay gezunt- Stay well, good bye
o Badhkin- Comedian - entertainer
o Balebuste- Excellent homemaker
o Boytchik- Boy affectionately
o Bubele- Darling, honey, sweetie
o Chaver- Close friend
o Chochem- Genius meant sarcastically ("you're a real freakin genius")
o Goyem- Any one other than jewish
o Gutte Neshome, Good soul, person
o Macher- Big shot
o Mayven- Expert at times meant sarcastically
o Mentsh- Decent person
o Zeeskyte- Sweetie
o Yiddisher Kop- Smart person
o Mishegas- Craziness
o Schmutz, Schmutzig- Dirt, Dirty
o Tsoris Suffering, trouble
o Gehakte Tsoris Worse sufffering or trouble
o Heymish Homey, warm
o Mechaye A pleasure, a delight
o Naches A pleasure, a delight
o Rachmones Compassion, pity
o Ongepatcheket Overdecorated, overdone
o Farputst All dressed up
o Tsedreyt Confuzed, dizzy
o Nisht do gedachet It should not happen to you
o Gezunter Healty, hearty
o Farchadat Confused,distracted, dysfunctional
o Farmisht Confused, dysfunctional
o Farfalen Hopeless, doomed
o Farblondget Lost, dysfunctional
o Chalushisdick Neauseating, sickening
o Tsiterik Anxious, nervous
o Oysgeshpilt Exhausted, played out
o Zitzfleysh Be able to to sit still for long time
o Farklempt Choked up
o Frayleich Cheerful
o Tsetumult Confused, bewildered
o Knubble - (garlic) A breath taking vitamin
o Nova Scotia They must mean Nova Kosher
o Chrane (horseradish) A Jewish eye-opener
o Bialy (A flat onion roll) Eet enough and get the bialy high
o Tsibelles (onion) All this, and herring too
o Knaiydleach (matzo ball) A penicillin supplemment
o Retach Radish repeat performance
o Mein Bubbe's Tahm Chopped herring
o Parve "Bi" Anything that goes with every thing
o Schmear Smear an unclassified meal
o Batampt delicious, tasty
o Fligel A Wing
o Fleyshik meat products
o Forshpaytz appetizer
o Geshmak delicious, tasty
o Katchke (duck) A person that talks and talks and ...
o Kugl Pudding
o Latkes pancakes
o Sahmaltz Chicken Fat
o Shtikl (sliver) Anything less then a mouthful
o Trayf unkosher and it goes well with cocktail sauce
o Menshlechykayt Human decency
o Seychel Reason, common sense
o Tam Taste, flavor, atmosphere
o Shande Shame, disgrace
o Yiches Family background, good family tree
o Handl Haggle,bargain
o Hameshe Home type
o Kretch Moan, groan
o Kvel To beam with joy, burst with pride
o Tsimmes A fuss
o Tsedoke Charity
o Parnoseh Livelihood
o Narishkayt Foolishness
o Mitzvah Good deed
o Mishegas Craziness
o Mazel Luck
o Hekhsher Seal of approval
o Emes Truth
o Ba-shert Fated ,meant to be
o Chutzpah Nerve
o Frayhayt Freedom
o Koved Honor
o Koyekh Strength
o Kosher Legitimate
o Shmear Spread, bribe
o Shmooz Chat
o Shtup Have sex, to give a bribe
o Platz Explode with emotions
o Geshrey A scream
o Mamma-lushin Yiddish, (mother tongue) or home made
o Simcha Celebration
o Yiddishkayt Jewishness
o Kosher Right, Honest: It don't sound kosher to me.
o Nosh To eat a little something: I was noshing all day.
o Cockamammie Crazy: He's got cockamammie ideas.
o Futz To fiddle around; Geting your PC to work.
o Chutzpah Guts, Nerve, no Shame : He is chutzpah.
o Gelt Money: I got a lot of gelt for Chanukah.
o Goyim Non-Jewish people: The place was full of goyim.
o Ganif Thief: Don't be such a ganif
o Kvetch Complainer: Don't be such a kvetch.
o Me-ish-kayt Ugly: The daughter is a reall meeskite.
o Mensch A nice gentleman: He was such a mensch.
o Mishegas Craziness: What kind of mishegas is that?
o Nebish Little nerd: He is such a nebish.
o Shlemazel Unlucky person: The poor schlemazel had his car stolen.
o Shma-tas Rags: Your clothes look like shmatas.
o Shpilkes Nervous energy: I had shpilkes before the interview.
o Shtick Routine: That's his shtick.
o Kvel To glow with pride: I could kvell watching those kids in the play.
o Mazel Luck: I got such a mazel.
o Shlemiel Fool: He's a real schlemiel, always screwing up.
o Schmootz Dirt: It's covered with schmootz.
o Tsures Troubles: That car gives me nothing but tsures.
o Tsimmes Fuss, Issue: She made a big tsimmes out of it.
o Bupkis Nothing: I got bupkis for my bonus.
o Knubble - garlic
o Chrain (horseradish) A Jewish eye-opener
o Sibela- onion
o Knadel matzo ball
o Retach Radish repeat performance
o Mein Bubbe's Tahm Chopped herring
o Parve "Bi"
o Batompt delicious, tasty
o Fligel A Wing
o Fleyshik meat products
o Forshpaytz appetizer
o Geshmak delicious, tasty
o Katchke A person that talks and talks and ...
o Kugl Pudding
o Latkes pancakes
o Shmaltz Chicken Fat
o Shtikl (sliver) Anything less then a mouthful
o Trayf unkosher and it goes well with cocktail sauce
o Menshlechykayt Human decency
o Shmuck- foreskin (literal)

Imbeciles Will Be Imbeciles

With all of the screaming I have been doing at the television, with all of the bird flipping I do at the television screen in the lobby (at my major network employer), I decided I needed to take drastic action before my head explodes like a pumpkin dropped off of a ten story building.

So I announced to my friends on Facebook that I was going to start reading the bible on the subway.

One friend asked me, "why?" and I explained that I was sick of all of the stupidity out there and just needed to be reminded of the truth since the new low standard is called "spin". Another one was curious too, seeing that I'm not exactly your stereotypical bible thumper with my truck driver mouth and hand gestures. I explained that at the end of the day, I wanted reassurance that all of the assholes would indeed go straight to hell where they belong.

So me the Yenta found the rosetta stone, the antidote of the msnbc/cnn/nbc/abc/cbs golem arising out of the muck: I read the good book, and I'm actually improving. My head is not a smashed pumpkin (though I did feel my blood pressure surge at a meeting today when the issue of "healthcare" came up, as though it was not a controversial issue!)

I guess these things take time. I will learn to accept those things I cannot change like imbeciles will be imbeciles. Let's see how I do over the next few weeks.

The Internet Causes Adult Onset ADD

I figured it out. The anecdotal evidence is in. It isn't menopause, it isn't the drugs, it isn't a brain tumor, it isn't alzheimers. It's the fucking internet.

The two second brain shut down so I can't remember what I did two seconds ago; the intermittant space out; the forgetting of everything; the new level of stupidity; the total lack of patience for everything that takes more than 3 seconds: it's the internet, stupid.

Remember back in the stone age of dialup? It was actually tolerated that a page would load in more than ten seconds? Now?? I go nuts if one of the twenty windows I have opened freezes up. I know that I am blacklisted by the tech department for the stupid ass lame requests I've made, like not knowing how to turn off my computer (you have to hold the button for a couple of seconds, not just poke it), but most of my issues center around a complete erosion of any semblance of patience I ever had. I have zero patience.

And so I am hereby making the Yenta determination that the internet and the IV that runs from the keyboard into my vein 8 hours a day at my desk at work is what has caused my adult onset attention deficit disorder. Which is really Patience Deficit Disorder or PDD. Or Stupidopolis. Moronica. Idiotpolis.

When my number is up in this shithole economy that will never get better with a Marxist administration and congress, I think I will try to reduce my time on the computer. My vast yenta audience will miss me, but I'm almost becoming a danger to myself!

Lost in the Fog a Documentary by John Corey Rocks

Here's a rare thing: me having something good to say about something filmed. Do yourself a favor: go to this website and buy this movie. http://www.lostinthefogthemovie.com/Lost_in_the_Fog_Movie_Main_Menu.html

Why? I'll tell you why. I'm a huge horseracing fan to the point of madness but that doesn't mean I have no taste about anything horseracing related. For example, most horse race stories and movies I've seen I've been eh neutral about. Seabiscuit, the Barbaro stories, the jockey stories and movies, I'm like ok, not bad but not great either. But this movie, this movie was GREAT. Because it had the following: plot, suspense, drama, non-treacly emotion, excitement, love, horses, heroism and nothing remotely sappy or shit. No kids, no weepy teary nothing. No human interest angle crapola like they show on Derby or Breeders Cup day tv broadcasts.

It was repeat worthy; I will watch it again and again and again. If I like something I never get tired of it. This movie is a work of art!

Plus the soundtrack is like the sort of music a horse would like.

RevolutionARY Road was SUCH a Shitty Movie

Sometimes I am moved to opine on matters that no one in the world gives a shit about save me. This is probably one of them (shitty movies with no plot), but I don't let that stop my fingers from attacking the keyboard. The subject today is shitty movies about stupid subjects and I have about had it. I am so done with watching movies. Now my netflix queue only has OLD movies or tv dramas I want to test out from the start because there is NOTHING out there to watch. Which is a huge joke when you consider the katrillion dollars flowing in and out of Hollywood and the gazillion "celebrities" earning an egregious living on ....what, getting dressed up like hooahs and girly men and getting high in clubs to get their picture taken by celebrity gossip rags that really have nothing interesting to say? A joke! So I saw RevolutionARY Road. Don't ask why, I guess I was just willing to squander a couple hours of my fascinating life on just sitting there and passively taking in, uhm, "entertainment". Not. Because watching two attractive young people bitch and whine, oh boo hoo hoo about, oh boo. hoo. hoo. poor you, about uh, having to GROW UP and uh, GO TO WORK, and uh, HAVE KIDS, and uh, TAKE CARE OF THEM, and uh, NOT TRAVEL WITH YOUR BACKPACK TO EXOTIC LOCATIONS and uh, what else was there? Oh yeah, it's REALLY REALLY ATTRACTIVE to be MALE with no employment prospects. Oooh yes, does that not get me all hot and bothered, menopausal mangled ME, a great looking young man "finding himself" in Paris. I can relate. NOT. What the fuck is wrong with Hollywood? What the fuck is wrong with our society?? I will tell you in no uncertain terms that the jaggoffs that come up with awards are so so full of shit, I automatically think I am just going to ignore everything "entertainment". Gotta get back to work. This blog will address this subject again. Bottom lining it: clean your closets, floss your teeth, get a colonoscopy, but please MISS RevolutionARY Road if you value two hours of your life!

A Fine Distinction Between Legitimate Whining and Illegitimate Whining and Why Whining is Not Complaining

First off, let me stipulate that I can legitimately whine with the best of them. I'll legitimately whine about Sarbannes Oxley, politicians, investment bankers, forced socializing, forced gift giving, missing my art class for something really stupid and meaningless, menopause, weight gain, advertising agencies, modern parents, political correctnesshit, buttons falling off of expensive clothes, the post office in New York City, shitty movies in Hollywood and cable talking head shows. But the distinction here is that to legitimately whine is to whine with friends or family and the subject of legitimate whining is not the whiner's victimhood caused by the whinee. In this respect, whining is very similar to complaining, which is the dialogue of life. He who does not complain cannot be alive. All of that being said, illegitimate whining is what I would like to take apart.

Illegitimate whining is what you see on Oprah Winfrey: "ooo pooor pooor me!"; or that LeFavre interview with Matt Lauer; or anytime you see someone crying on TV; or excluding workplace abuse situations, which are by definition legitimate because I say so, generally unemployed adults calling themselves somehow "abused" outside of work (HELLO--I am abused somehow some way every day, HELLO--who gives a SHIT??, HELLO--I'll worry about MY abuse, YOU worry about yours!!!!!!!!!). Joan the Yenta would like to declare open season on illegitimate whiners: I am hereby giving you all authority to get back in their faces and say "O BOOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" or "Get help, don't bring it here" or "SHUT. UP!"

Because here's the dirty little secret about witnesses of public whiners: The way we all view the ones with tears in their eyes that willingly go out in public so the WORLD can see them WEEP: everybody KNOWS they are pitying THEMSELVES, they THINK you pity them but you don't, you may spend a few seconds thinking "hmm, well, oh, geez, what if that happened to ME? eye yi yi. hmmmm. oh geez." It's called human nature and as much as modern people think oh how far we've progressed, guess what, it hasn't come as far as you think. Not that bellyaching being a status symbol equals progress, but the "sensitivity" and "compassionate society" bullshit is just plain bullshit. Just go to work and look around you. Real sensitive compassion, right? Har har hardy har har.

Nobody likes to witness weakness. Keep it behind closed doors, where it belongs. Public displays of whiny weepy po po me shit is VERY UNATTRACTIVE.