Yiddish-Yinglish Dictionary of Fools courtesy of my idol Marilyn

Bulvan: An ox, with no class. He'll move your house on his back - without asking. Chaim Yankel: A mister nobody. His favorite color is beige. Chaleria: A shrew. If her pastrami's fatty, she'll make a federal case. Chazzer: A pig: He'll take home the cheap wine he brought you for Passover. Draycup: She one not only forgot her address, she's in the wrong city. Eingeshparht: He's got a head like a rock. Gantseh Makher: He made a few bucks selling whoopie cushions, so suddenly he's Trump. Synonym: K'nocker Gonif: Unscrupulous, a thief. His partner's sent out an APB. Grubber yung: Crude. A big mouth who has dirt (from grabbing) under his fingernails. Klutz: Clumsy. She falls over her own sneakers- fastened with Velco. Kvetch: A whiner. The food's salty, the place is chilly, eating out -who needs it? Luftmensch: A dreamer - who never wakes up. He could paint a masterpiece, if only he had an easel - and knew how. Meshugener: A loony. Whether he thinks his underwear is after him or barrels over Niagra Falls, he's one letter short of an M&M. Moishe Kapoyr: Today he'd be called "oppositional." The family votes to hold the reunion in Vegas. He votes for Vilna. Nar: He left his law practice to become a clown. Nayfish: A doormat. When he's robbed, he apologizes for being short on cash. Nebekh: A hapless unfortunate. He gets stepped on by accident a lot. Nuchshlepper: A hanger-on. She shleps the 200 pound camping gear for the group. Nudnik: A persistent bore. She doesn't stop with the talking, the asking, the annoying till you want to staple his lips together. Nudzh: A pesty badgerer. She tells you twelve times to check the locks. Unlike the nudnik, it could be an occasional occurrence. Ongeblussen: A self-involved blowhard. If his last name is Moses, he thinks the Bible gave him a mention. Oysvorf: Unpopular outcast. Think David Duke at a Hadassah meeting. Paskudnyak: A revolting, corrupt person. For him, there would be a very short funeral. Shikker: A drunk. She has a little chaser with her Cheerios. Shlemiel: A pathetic, clumsy loser. He drives over - through your living room. Shlimazel: An unlucky loser. He's the one the shlemiel was visiting. Shlump: Unkempt, saggy. She shleps, stooped, with her hair in strings. Shmeggege: And idiotic doofus. Short of a "meshuganah," he's sure he'll make a killing with his musical toilet seat ... and acts like a makher about it. Shmendrik: Nincompoop. A fraternal twin to a shlemiel, he's thinner and weaker. Shnook: A likeable patsy. You could sell him a time-share in Area 51, and he'll pay top dollar - for vacationing on an historical site. Shnorror: A beggar. He's forever borrowing, taking advantage. Bad for a potluck party. Trombenik: A lazy braggart. Not only does he blow his own horn, he doesn't own one. Yuchna: A loud-mouthed, boorish female. In Loehmann's dressing room she'll yell "It would fit if you lost a few pounds!" Yutz: Socially inept. He takes you to a restaurant with a clown face and spends the evening discussing his train collection. Zshlub: Lazy slob. He shows up with schmutz on his untucked shirt. To Archie Bunker, "meathead" looked like a zshlub when he met him - although he'd never say it.

Dear Yenta, I have a friend that I used to work with and see almost everyday, now we work in different places. I really miss her. I've tried to get together but it doesn't seem to work out. The more that time goes by, and I don't see her, the less connected I feel we are. She's gone through a lot this year and I understand why we haven't connected but I feel like I want and wanted so much to be there when she was going through all her shit, and I still want to be apart of her life, but I'm not sure what to do. Can you advise me? signed Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I feel your pain; welcome to life in the new world order of companies closing because their "management" ran them into the ground, or sold them to pocket a quick buck, or decided that moving offices to gulags or suburban wastelands would not keep people from finding other jobs in more desirable locations, or decided laying people off would result in decreased expenses to cover for the failure of management to increase revenues which is why there is management in the first place, but doesn't matter, all that matters is their 40% bonuses and the "bottom line" financially engineered by overpaid and over-egoed masters of the fucking universe, oh yes, yes Anonymous, your pain is just another casualty. Friends get sweeped up by the big broom of disaster, work is eventually a disaster for everyone who works, somehow, when you think about it, there's always a big asshole with his or her finger on the button to blow up your cozy little comfort in the corporate crotch of existence for the poor slobs who do the work and not the powerpoints. Just be glad you had human contact Anonymous! Just be happy you were PERMITTED to socially interact with someone who isn't hard wired to rat you out for even thinking you had such a right! And when all is said and done, you pick up the phone or drop an email and eventually you can re-establish contact. Since life flies by when you're old, a few weeks is but a drop in the bucket. So is a few years, now that you mention it. Friends don't change, nobody changes, really. That's a yenta truism that you can take to the bank that isn't failing because of bad mortgages. The Yenta

" I SAID I'm Sorry!" Doesn't Fly

You know, the more I hear it--"I SAID I'm sorry", the more I'm now inclined to say "stop bullshitting me."

Saying you're sorry, and then in the course of conversation with the apologee, you find yourself repeating yourself because somehow the apologee does not truly accept the apology, merits a second look.

ARE you sorry? Because IF you're sorry and your victim keeps harping on the affront, you need to SUCK IT UP, keep your mouth shut, nod your head and get the hell out of there. Saying you're sorry alone doesn't cut it nor should you expect it to; the apologee needs to absorb your apology. If after a sufficient amount of time, the apologee still has not absorbed the apology, (and all of this is subject to your apology being sincere), then you need to write off the friendship/relationship as hopelessly damaged. Nothing is worse than constantly being reminded that you suck by the reproachful looks and words that will be your eternity with this person. But in no event should you say "I SAID I was sorry!"

I want to punch people who give me that line; "sorry" is not a silver bullet or whatever the expression is, it is not the "get out of jail free" card its users expect it to be. If you feel the need to say it, then you're just not sorry. Examine this.

Question from a Reader, Answered

Dear Yenta,I have a nice family, plenty of caring friends, a cat, a nice apartment...but no special someone. I have a good job too! I am getting lazy now, spending time alone, enjoying wine, watching baseball games. Should I be worried that I am not "out there" instead of enjoying my couch??

Dear Getting Lazy Now:

No you should not be worried since you sound content, enjoying your couch. The special someone would only enhance your couch life and if you need enhancing, or figure you want to leave the option open, then perhaps you should sign up for eharmony. You can relax and take a look every now and again to see if they find someone who you would leave your wine, couch and baseball games to meet.

Bottom line, the single life does not receive sufficient credit as a viable, successful, honorable and satisfying LIFESTYLE CHOICE for women. Marriage is great if it's with the right person, torture if it is not. Dipping your toe in the couplehood pool is fine from time to time, and success is more likely if it is not urgently demanded. That's just the way it goes it seems.

Too much togetherness can be trying and gross, independence is a marvelous quality. You go girl. The Yenta

A Yenta Truism: Assholes Are Universally Recognized for Who and What They Are

Here is a Yenta Truism that I believe in whole heartedly and would like to share with my vast audience and fan base and seekers of assistance. Because the application of this truism will save you many hours of anguish as you wonder to yourself, "should I inform XXX that YYY is a flaming asshole and I just don't approve of their relationship?", providing this free information to you as a benefit of visiting my site might get more people in coming here for my "free offers".

So here is the truism and the logic behind it. Truism: The world already knows that YYY is a flaming asshole and you can take it to the bank that XXX has already been informed, one way or the other, that their judgment of YYY is piss poor and they are suppressing it because their need that drives them into this relationship is pathological and one of the downside attributes of their personality which is why they deny to themselves by "overlooking" or "chosing not to give much thought to" the assholery of YYY, putting friends and family in the unenviable position of having to wrestle with themselves as to whether they should admit directly to XXX that they hate YYY with a passion and fear for their loved one's future sanity (and their own should they be forced to interact with YYY as a condition of interacting with XXX).

So your good friend has been dating a fucking dick. You hate his fucking guts, and everybody who has met him talks about him behind your friend's back and you feel guilty, should you warn your good friend? Reality: your friend, unless she is blind, deaf, dumb and living on Planet WhattheFuck KNOWS THIS. She is just crossing her fingers that you haven't noticed. All you need to do is indicate subtly that YYY is a fucking dick by rolling your eyes or saying VERY LITTLE and when she comes to you for advice, for example, if fucking dick doesn't consider her schedule, as an example, say something like, "well, it doesn't surprise me. He isn't exactly the most considerate person I've ever met" and go on from there. By no means encourage the relationship.

Family members require a little different handling. Dead silence should accompany any mention of YYY's name until you drop the first bomb stating "Do you REALLY want to hear my opinion? You should hear my opinion and I've been holding back giving it to you because I had HOPED you would have FIGURED IT OUT ON YOUR OWN but you haven't so let me tell you it shocks me that you haven't noticed that YYY is a fucking piece of shit" or words to that effect. More aggressive language is required because family alliances tend to infiltrate the whole family and turn family matters into a tailspin. Trust me, I have 30 years experience with the biggest fucking loser in the world wrapping her gnarly tethers around my family's prior sense of well being. See you next tuesday, so to speak.

So please let me know if you need any further elaboration on my truism. I will also update this as the spirit moves me.

The Pareto Principle and The Yenta

Restating the obvious, I am the world renowned expert on most things and fervently hope that my clients turn to me for answers to their most pressing problems. Again, I welcome and encourage your cries for help, which as I must state over and over again because this free blogsite is very limited in its ability to show problems and solutions on my main page: you have to drill down to the COMMENTS section after each blog to ask your question, which I answer within the respective COMMENTS section.

However, if you have a question relating to a problem person in your life, and it's midnight on the east coast, or the Yenta is unavailable or otherwise occupied and you NEED HELP NOW, I am going to let you in on a little trade secret: 80% of you can find your solution by googling "narcissism" and studying the findings of the experts. A particularly fascinating site is Narcissism101.com.

Died in the wool, incorrigible, impossible, borderline sociopathic individuals who ruin people's lives because they have no conscience and easily slime their way in through charm or other forms of manipulation (including marrying your natural parent to thereafter seek illegitimate control over an aspect of their life that is out of bounds) are a pox on our house. They are a pox on everyone's house and more likely than not, your house will be poxed by one of these scumbuckets sooner or later.

It is quite dreadful for the first time sufferer to encounter the narcissist through the divorce and remarriage of a parent. Depending on how old one is, one can be quite under the thumb until the age of emancipation. And then one must endure the begging and pleading of one's natural parent to "understand" and "get along with" and "tolerate" and "kiss the fat bloody ass of" the evil narcissist step-thing in the years thereafter.

It is also quite dreadful, but not as life-altering if caught quickly, for first time sufferers to romantically encounter a narcissist. Running, and running fast, can and must be swiftly accomplished, however, care must be taken to avoid reverse stalking by the more sociopathic variety of narcissist. In these cases, orders of protection are called for, but by the time one realizes this, one is emotionally cured. Now one only needs to care for one's physical well being, which is actually easier than emotional. It's the emotional slipshoddiness that gets us into "bed" with these monsters to begin with.

So to bottom line it, look up "narcissist" and see if that is your problem. My most recent case made me realize that this is something most of my clients need to do to get back on the road to emotional well being. It's the old 80-20 rule I learned about as an economics major at the University of North Carolina: Pareto Optimization, the introduction to this Italian genius of life.
80% of the problems you have with assholes can be tracked back to narcissism, THEIRS. Go educate yourself!

A Yenta Joke

The following Yenta Joke is posted for your enjoyment.

Please note that if you want to ask me a question, click on the COMMENTS tab on my first (or subsequent) blog or the title of my first blog and the questions and answers will appear. Send me your questions! Unfortunately you get what you pay for and blogspot isn't exactly the most versatile template for an advice website.

In any event, getting back to the joke, you need to keep in mind that my Yentaism is my precocious interest in the personal lives and complaints of all who come to me, NOT my precocious interest in gossip. I do not divulge the private concerns of my clients, I just have too much interest IN my clients. Anyway, enjoy the joke:

Four Jewish ladies were sitting around playing Mah Jongg. The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all for such a long time, and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But don't worry, I have never stolen from any of you and never will. We have been friends for too long." One of the other ladies says, "Well, since we are having true confessions, I am a nymphomaniac, but don't worry. I have not hit on any of your husbands, and never will, they don't interest me. We have been friends for too long." "Well", says the third lady, "I too must confess. The reason I never married is that I am a lesbian, but don't worry. I will never hit on any of you. We have been friends for too long, and I don't want to ruin our friendship." The fourth lady stands up and says, "I have a confession to make also. I am a yenta, so please excuse me; I have a lot of calls to make!"

Joan the Yenta: Free Advice for All

I am happy to announce the creation of this blog for the dispensing of my extremely valuable and insightful advice. I am qualified, by genetic gifts and experience, to answer questions concerning interpersonal relationships, marriage, step parenting, dealing with wicked step parents, work, what sucks at work, marketing, entertainment, modern parents, culture, travel, disease and horses. I can also answer questions on art techniques, weight loss and weight gain, wigs, why marriage before 30 is not recommended for most, why marriage before 35 is not recommended for many, why multiple marriage is not recommended for anybody, why shutting up is hard to do, why personality is destiny and a whole host of issues. This is my gift to humanity...I am so damned proud of myself!

To have your questions answered, post your questions "Anonymously" by hitting the Comment button like you're going to make a Comment but you're really going to Ask A Question and I will reply to you with my Advice for Life. Please, no comments on what a stupid idiot you may think I am. Comments are only for those with problems they need me to solve.