Yiddish-Yinglish Dictionary of Fools courtesy of my idol Marilyn

Bulvan: An ox, with no class. He'll move your house on his back - without asking. Chaim Yankel: A mister nobody. His favorite color is beige. Chaleria: A shrew. If her pastrami's fatty, she'll make a federal case. Chazzer: A pig: He'll take home the cheap wine he brought you for Passover. Draycup: She one not only forgot her address, she's in the wrong city. Eingeshparht: He's got a head like a rock. Gantseh Makher: He made a few bucks selling whoopie cushions, so suddenly he's Trump. Synonym: K'nocker Gonif: Unscrupulous, a thief. His partner's sent out an APB. Grubber yung: Crude. A big mouth who has dirt (from grabbing) under his fingernails. Klutz: Clumsy. She falls over her own sneakers- fastened with Velco. Kvetch: A whiner. The food's salty, the place is chilly, eating out -who needs it? Luftmensch: A dreamer - who never wakes up. He could paint a masterpiece, if only he had an easel - and knew how. Meshugener: A loony. Whether he thinks his underwear is after him or barrels over Niagra Falls, he's one letter short of an M&M. Moishe Kapoyr: Today he'd be called "oppositional." The family votes to hold the reunion in Vegas. He votes for Vilna. Nar: He left his law practice to become a clown. Nayfish: A doormat. When he's robbed, he apologizes for being short on cash. Nebekh: A hapless unfortunate. He gets stepped on by accident a lot. Nuchshlepper: A hanger-on. She shleps the 200 pound camping gear for the group. Nudnik: A persistent bore. She doesn't stop with the talking, the asking, the annoying till you want to staple his lips together. Nudzh: A pesty badgerer. She tells you twelve times to check the locks. Unlike the nudnik, it could be an occasional occurrence. Ongeblussen: A self-involved blowhard. If his last name is Moses, he thinks the Bible gave him a mention. Oysvorf: Unpopular outcast. Think David Duke at a Hadassah meeting. Paskudnyak: A revolting, corrupt person. For him, there would be a very short funeral. Shikker: A drunk. She has a little chaser with her Cheerios. Shlemiel: A pathetic, clumsy loser. He drives over - through your living room. Shlimazel: An unlucky loser. He's the one the shlemiel was visiting. Shlump: Unkempt, saggy. She shleps, stooped, with her hair in strings. Shmeggege: And idiotic doofus. Short of a "meshuganah," he's sure he'll make a killing with his musical toilet seat ... and acts like a makher about it. Shmendrik: Nincompoop. A fraternal twin to a shlemiel, he's thinner and weaker. Shnook: A likeable patsy. You could sell him a time-share in Area 51, and he'll pay top dollar - for vacationing on an historical site. Shnorror: A beggar. He's forever borrowing, taking advantage. Bad for a potluck party. Trombenik: A lazy braggart. Not only does he blow his own horn, he doesn't own one. Yuchna: A loud-mouthed, boorish female. In Loehmann's dressing room she'll yell "It would fit if you lost a few pounds!" Yutz: Socially inept. He takes you to a restaurant with a clown face and spends the evening discussing his train collection. Zshlub: Lazy slob. He shows up with schmutz on his untucked shirt. To Archie Bunker, "meathead" looked like a zshlub when he met him - although he'd never say it.

Dear Yenta, I have a friend that I used to work with and see almost everyday, now we work in different places. I really miss her. I've tried to get together but it doesn't seem to work out. The more that time goes by, and I don't see her, the less connected I feel we are. She's gone through a lot this year and I understand why we haven't connected but I feel like I want and wanted so much to be there when she was going through all her shit, and I still want to be apart of her life, but I'm not sure what to do. Can you advise me? signed Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I feel your pain; welcome to life in the new world order of companies closing because their "management" ran them into the ground, or sold them to pocket a quick buck, or decided that moving offices to gulags or suburban wastelands would not keep people from finding other jobs in more desirable locations, or decided laying people off would result in decreased expenses to cover for the failure of management to increase revenues which is why there is management in the first place, but doesn't matter, all that matters is their 40% bonuses and the "bottom line" financially engineered by overpaid and over-egoed masters of the fucking universe, oh yes, yes Anonymous, your pain is just another casualty. Friends get sweeped up by the big broom of disaster, work is eventually a disaster for everyone who works, somehow, when you think about it, there's always a big asshole with his or her finger on the button to blow up your cozy little comfort in the corporate crotch of existence for the poor slobs who do the work and not the powerpoints. Just be glad you had human contact Anonymous! Just be happy you were PERMITTED to socially interact with someone who isn't hard wired to rat you out for even thinking you had such a right! And when all is said and done, you pick up the phone or drop an email and eventually you can re-establish contact. Since life flies by when you're old, a few weeks is but a drop in the bucket. So is a few years, now that you mention it. Friends don't change, nobody changes, really. That's a yenta truism that you can take to the bank that isn't failing because of bad mortgages. The Yenta

" I SAID I'm Sorry!" Doesn't Fly

You know, the more I hear it--"I SAID I'm sorry", the more I'm now inclined to say "stop bullshitting me."

Saying you're sorry, and then in the course of conversation with the apologee, you find yourself repeating yourself because somehow the apologee does not truly accept the apology, merits a second look.

ARE you sorry? Because IF you're sorry and your victim keeps harping on the affront, you need to SUCK IT UP, keep your mouth shut, nod your head and get the hell out of there. Saying you're sorry alone doesn't cut it nor should you expect it to; the apologee needs to absorb your apology. If after a sufficient amount of time, the apologee still has not absorbed the apology, (and all of this is subject to your apology being sincere), then you need to write off the friendship/relationship as hopelessly damaged. Nothing is worse than constantly being reminded that you suck by the reproachful looks and words that will be your eternity with this person. But in no event should you say "I SAID I was sorry!"

I want to punch people who give me that line; "sorry" is not a silver bullet or whatever the expression is, it is not the "get out of jail free" card its users expect it to be. If you feel the need to say it, then you're just not sorry. Examine this.

Question from a Reader, Answered

Dear Yenta,I have a nice family, plenty of caring friends, a cat, a nice apartment...but no special someone. I have a good job too! I am getting lazy now, spending time alone, enjoying wine, watching baseball games. Should I be worried that I am not "out there" instead of enjoying my couch??

Dear Getting Lazy Now:

No you should not be worried since you sound content, enjoying your couch. The special someone would only enhance your couch life and if you need enhancing, or figure you want to leave the option open, then perhaps you should sign up for eharmony. You can relax and take a look every now and again to see if they find someone who you would leave your wine, couch and baseball games to meet.

Bottom line, the single life does not receive sufficient credit as a viable, successful, honorable and satisfying LIFESTYLE CHOICE for women. Marriage is great if it's with the right person, torture if it is not. Dipping your toe in the couplehood pool is fine from time to time, and success is more likely if it is not urgently demanded. That's just the way it goes it seems.

Too much togetherness can be trying and gross, independence is a marvelous quality. You go girl. The Yenta